I ask this question all the time. And asking someone what theyre doing is not the same as issuing an invitation. My response if Im up for it is Looking like a fun one, but did you have something in mind? If Im probably not up for it I say All the things! Every girl loves the rebel without a cause. Go For a Walk: One of the simplest and most fun things on weekends is going out for a walk. Good, the colors on the leaves are amazing (in Fall) Answer vaguely. Work it like a weekend warrior! Because if she werent a family member, Id throw her out on her ear; she sure as hell wouldnt be in my home with all her stuff. But no one argues against working! What the letter-writer is doing seems a bit like foreign people not grasping at first that Americans dont expect How are you? to be answered literally. But in the age of smart phones I also find Im going to have to check my email before I say yes to that, so let me get back to you helpful. Vagueing it up works for me. (This one is so trite that it takes a few moments for the humor to sink in.) Maybe we could get together. This sentence should never be solo. Him: Nothing at all? Its technically true and covers pretty much any emotion you might be feeling. New day, old me, just doing routine stuff. friend/person/both: Im in the worst fucking mood and heres why. Yep, my wife and I too. Its clearly related to the other ones, not just random strangers. There are also times my kid can ask for help, and *I* dont get to say, eh, no, Id rather read a book. Not if I want to consider myself her family. And then they get all pissy because the girl is taken aback by being asked out so abruptly by this guy about whom she knows pretty much nothing except his appearance. 200 Sarcastic Quotes 1. Why, whatve you got? with a tone implying that weekends are always full of important adulting chores that I really dont want to do, but adults gotta adult, you know? Sometimes my kids and I need that to be family time, so were going to block that out going forward., one of those people who force you to be blunt., Indeed, do say to her: Im going to ask you guys to walk to school on your own; trying to coordinate with your family is simply too much stress for us. What are you planning? and nowadays I find that a great answer. Why? I personally feel really pressured by the question simply because it puts me in the position of having to say yes or no before I even know what Im saying yes or no to. Those non-negotiable things come up probably twice a month, at most. As I explained, however, sometimes responding to a compliment requires a funny response. See, shes trying to force you to perform niceness and capitulate because its hard to think of a way to get rid of her that wont make you look like a bitch not performing socially-mandatory niceness. I was surprised what a relief it was to move to a completely different part of the country where I at least have the option of blending in. And so if it happens to me, I wind up agreeing to the thing even if maybe I normally wouldnt have, because now I have no valid excuse for declining. Aunt: Good! If the asker tends to demand stuff from me, Im likely to claim Ill be busy. "Hi" or "Hello". Indeed. LW specifically said that LW is not bothered by this in peer-friends. I ticked the following boxes: 1) had conversation, 2) got her to talk about herself, 3) gave her questions so she could talk about herself some more to make her feel good, 4) she was talking to me, AND I saw her smile! Theyre almost certainly not trying to pry into information you consider private! I also feel compelled to give easy ways out when I feel like Im making a request, including ending requests with and no is a perfectly acceptable answer.. I read the question; did all of you who are saying its only about the manipulative cases? Doing great, what are you doing here? If I had a tail, I would wag it! LW, I forgot the part where you said some of this is coming from people youre chatting to on dating websites, and you feel like its an attempt to get you to plan the date. To put it another way, I guess: this is such a normal way to open a conversation that being annoyed by it means that you will be annoyed by a wide variety of people, forever. 4) "When asked what I did over the weekend, I reply, 'Why, what did you hear?'" 5) And it's weekend memes baby!!! Which has been said in other comments and is important enough to say again. Nothing too exciting, Ive got a bunch of things on my to-do list. He doesnt need to be that nosy about how you spend your time. To me, thats pretty manipulative and when its done I generally conclude that its done on purpose. W- Work free. These people arent trying to gotcha! After decades of various sorts of problem behavior from my father, I literally hit a brick wall of having had enough, and weve been done ever since. You can change "because you have kids" to a variety of things, depending on whom you're talking to. Bye. There are variants but this one is always appropriate in all situations. (If they meant the invitation) Them : OH! Am I Really? Because Im white, I fortunately have the privilege of knowing that 9 times out of 10 its just genuine curiosity and an attempt at polite small talk (theres always the 1 thats still xenophobic, though, like the cashier who blurted out when are you leaving, then? or the psychiatrist who refused me medical treatment because I should be going back to my home country soon anywayIm married and staying here, sorry to disappoint). Example: What are you doing? This is my reaction. Also I have learned to give hard noes. morning (and then bending my ear the whole way up the road, when if we were alone Id be chatting to my kids, and we quite like that) to the point where the doorbell would go and my kids would be saying oh god no, not them again! and Im shushing them, but feel exactly the same way. [Reposting because it looks like my first comment was eaten.]. How about you? If they push after that, theyre admitting theyre either not listening or not respecting my feelings. Another good script Ive heard for when the person is clearly trying to invite you to something is What did you have in mind?, If theyre small-talking, you can say something like Hopefully relaxing and destressing. I'm sorry I can't really talk right now. Today I feel blessed and happy for no reason. (So Tuesday is the only day safe from that question, ha. But when its a thing I -did- want to go to, its 100% better to ensure that I have made plans for the actual event and not have to deal with last minute changes due to someones mistake or mishearing. Spares you from having to say Great and feel like youre lying (which can be uncomfortable even when you *are* aware youre participating in a defined social ritual), but also averts the worry that if you say things are bad, the asker will pry for more details. I think one way of dealing with this is to explicitly put the hard invitation back in their court. If the emphasis is on you its just a greeting. No, just running some errands. Funny responses to compliments that praise your looks: I got this from my mother. I might not feel quite as entitled to her time, but Id probably still think there were some things I could ask of her that shed be wrong to refuse. I feel like its asking me to say yes or no to an invitation / commitment before I even know what it is (like, if youre having a party I might be free, but my babysitting quota is full for the month so no to that). But most native speakers will still answer with the single word "Good.". 1) Let the weekend memes begin! Photo by Josh Rocklage on unsplash 02 "Not you, unfortunately." I am a pessimist, so I assume I am pissing someone off if theres the slightest ambiguity in communication. Nobody listens anyway. Reading, learning, documentaries, podcasts, etc. People of just about any accent can turn up just about anywhere and be from there. Ive noticed that sometimes when coworkers as me what Im doing theyre really just politely trying to start a conversation about the weekend so they can tell me all about their exciting weekend plans. After some reflection, my normal version of this (me asking) is You free this weekend? [Note to my friend who also reads CA, this is not you ], I tend to do direct invites, sometimes with a range of possible dates, but I have occasionally done the We should do [X] sometime! and had months go by without getting around to organizing [X], even if Ive extended other invitations to the person also interested in [X]. Source: Facebook. I was usually planning board game evenings and role playing games and I only tried to ask people whom I knew to be interested in what I was planning. Those things influence what I ask of my kid, and they influence how I ask it. The other day I got into this conversation with a mum I have to say mum colleague rather than mum friend, because her kid is in the same class as my kids and we seem to hang out quite a lot but shes an extreme extrovert and I am really not, and I see more of her than I would really choose to if I had to seek her out. Thats my go-to when someone asks me what I am doing at some point in the near future. to invent some activity or decide how much to share), and 3.allowing you to then respond either positively or negatively to whatever suggestion comes next. If youd rather not, I would love to immediately pretend this never happened and talk about dinosaurs for the next ten minutes, and then never bring it up again. Its hard to navigate things as just small talk when follow-up questions and comments quickly lead to territory I dont want to discuss. That, or non-questions. Id like to leave you with a couple of last thoughts to consider: One is that you say she has reacted to, We are going to by hearing a command and responding accordingly. Ive had good luck with, Fantastic! because no matter what is happening to me, I am still fantastic in various ways. Grocery store cashiers, random people in the elevator, and taxi drivers dont want or need more of a response. Wow, dear LW, that was a great message and it certainly gave me good points to think about. 3. LWs letter got me thinking and i thought about using this kind of questions and realized that the only time I actually use them is with really close friends with whom I would just like to hang out or intend to make plans together. My MIL does thatshe asks DH if we can come to dinner, and he says, Ill have to ask Toots. Then she calls me and asks me, and I say, I have to ask DH. Really early on, she did this, and then laughed at my answer and said, I asked him, and he said he had to ask you. B: Cool. Remember, . that kind of thing), whereas work is seen as almost virtuous, as my family holds work/money in high regard, and my hours are unusual enough that no one can remember what they are. This is how I feel too. Another is that people your daughters age and under have grown up under a level of surveillance never before seen in the entire history of the human species. Ive now got a standard policy of dont know, Ill have to check my calendar and get back to you. And then he goes around and rants to all his buddies that women are sooooooooooo shallow because she *wouldnt* date him based only on his appearance (yes, I know the flaming illogic is bizarre). Yes, my current circles understand introversion well, even the ones who themselves are extraverts . what about this would a person take personally???? Part of it for me, too, is that a lot of my free time is devoted to managing my anxiety and physical issues (that I dont talk about at work) and I feel pressured to always have a good weekend. You dont sound like you belong here isnt really the friendliest way to get to know someone, even if the intentions are good. Yeah, my parents did that too. If theyre someone who usually only asks me to do fun stuff, I may say Free as a bird, as long as I dont have to plan on getting up too early. Of course, what you do will be just as big of a surprise for you as it will be for them. Michael Wiley on Twitter: "RT @h_miller76: Had you asked me what I'd be ), (4) I just found a salamander, can I put it in your mouth?. Good, I just saw the cutest squirrel.. What are you doing for dinner? Yup, there is a trust relationship to be established, because as detailed above, this question is frequently used with a threat of violence attached. I do want to clarifyI miswrote: if my daughter says she needs to take some mental health time and thats why she cant spend an hour helping me w/ a family project, thats not fallout worthshes busy. You? Canned responses are pre-written messages that allow customer support agents to respond to customer issues at the drop of a hat. Invitations are not commands. And take LWs at their word, maybe? My usual caveat- I am a very private person who others sometimes describe as off-putting and I perform the expected feminine social role like an ill-fitting plastic Halloween costume. It can often be an explain why youre a POC kind of thing in many countries with white majorities, and seen as a whole (its a super widespread phenomenon) it shows how far away our societies are from truly accepting themselves are diverse. If Im bothered by the question, I usually answer back with why ? or why do you ask ?. And suddenly many things became clear. And my mom thought I was like the most studious kid ever, because I knew that if I ever looked like I had free time, she would fill it with chores, so I always had some kind of project to work on (I did have the grades to back this up or it wouldnt have worked). Thats already happenedshe made a big stink about her dad telling her that they were all going to do something to support me at a time when I was really upset (something that would have taken about an hour of her time). 5 Better Responses to "How Are You?" Than "Busy" - The Muse 1. This is OT, but if someone would like to explain how its supposed to work in the US, Id appreciate it. "Thanks, it was a chance to relax and I am grateful for that.". I agree with the Captain that its all about boundaries. She had already asked him. Vulgarity from a total stranger is an instant turnoff. Funny Responses to "How Are You?" that will make people laugh Science of People 815K subscribers Subscribe 3K Share 53K views 7 months ago #vanessavanedwards #conversation #communication How. Assholes. Whereas it might feel more awkward/imposing for her, and less for me, to just ask outright, Do you want to go to [event] on [this day]?. Thankfully, the discomfort is mostly on my end at this point. Im white and an immigrant in the country where I live. I think this is an expected thing for women to do. Early on in dating the boything, he would ask what I was doing that night in a way that made me think it was small talkso Id say oh, Im working on [project] probably, or I might just have an early night. And then he would assume I wasnt free, whereas if he would have said hey do you want to have dinner? I would have been on board. Funnily enough, my co-workers are also doing laundry. Sam sends Julia a text at 9 PM on Saturday night, with an idea that could give the company an edge in customer service's call hold times. Doesnt work with friends / family obviously, but I have to consult my husband every single time when it comes to sales pitches / offers in retail / invitations from strangers etc. Im pretty thoughtful about when I feel Im entitled to expect her participation, and when Im not. , Related the person who just assumes youre doing whatever theyve planned for you because its a family thing and youre family or I asked Z and they said you were free* or What else would you be doing? I think feeling unsafe crosses the line where a relationship cant be repaired. I dont spend a lot of time imagining what youre doing over the weekend. I really wish I had some better scripts to deal with this stuff how do I limit our contact with her to a level where the kids and I are still happy to see her, without pissing her off? Next week, tell me how it went? And then make myself a note to specifically ask about it. When you joined a new job and your team leader or boss asked you about how you're doing, this is your honest answer and a way to show your enthusiasm. Here are some of the most humorous replies to "How are you?" Table of contents: I'm Better on the inside than I Look on the outside Can't Complain. So if theyre just chatting youve invited them to talk about their own weekend, and if they are in fact leading up to an invitation, then youve been vague about whether nothing interesting means lots of chores, or free time. Nah, Why do you ask is generally pretty safe to take literally. We do this so thoroughly that we then have to figure out how to re-train them so this doesnt put them at greater risk in the presence of predators, and we dont do that re-training thoroughly enough. If anyone else runs into this, Im not free on Saturday, so Ill see you some other time! is a perfectly polite and respectful response. This is how I deal with it: My cousins with kids are trying to push their 8-12 year olds on me to tutor them and Im like 1. And with some people it is pretty transparently a question with the subtext of let me mooch off of your free time and/or the things you do in your free time are stupid and wrong. The week after is all good. Another example: My parents both corrected their local accents to American Standard Television English long before I was born, so I grew up with that accent myself. I always respond to casual/formulaic how are you questions with something positive, specific, and widely approachable. He would intentionally just hint around until they offered. Me: No can do. Developed with the most common customer inquiries in mind, these responses give customer service reps the power to represent your brand with uniformity, accuracy, and speed. LW gets that this is all tied up with threats of violence. Follow. Its been pretty good policy.) She's asking because she's interested in your plans specifically. I didnt realize it until I noticed they were running a long-term experiment when they traveled of noting responses they said they like Canada and big chunks of northern and western US, because if they say theyre British, no one bats an eye despite their obvious Polish accents. They think I cant give a soft no because Ive already said Im not busy and I cant give a hard no because Im a woman. Reluctant runners just need a nudge. Yak shaving is a programming term, although Ive also seen it in other contexts. You: Oh, I have a few plans but Im free for the good stuff!.
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